To give you more of a glimpse into what this blog will be about (in case you haven’t had enough yet), I’ll share a recent episode of living with a repressed depression that weasels its way out, and how I coped.
There seems to be this repeating pattern every time my boyfriend leaves for a work trip. I find myself delving into this rather pathetic sense of insecurities that stir solely in those days. For reference, he’s never done anything remotely suspicious and is in fact a rather respectable boyfriend.
Two words: blue hair.
And so, why is it I feel the need to question everything whilst he’s away?
Who’s this new person following you? Do you still think I’m attractive although my stomach is growing larger and larger by the week (cause I’m 25 weeks pregnant by the way, hello hormones)? Would you feel guilty for flirting with someone behind my back, even unintentionally? Are you sure you still love me when I’m like this?
Frankly, I can’t see how he could put up with it.
Why do I get into these states; who is this person? She’s not the bold, independent woman you first met, oozing with confidence and a free spirit. She is the opposite of that woman: a clingy, annoyingly insecure girl.
The night he flew out two weeks ago, I had an awful dream about our relationship. Awoken in a panic, I begin overthinking at three in the morning and I didn’t stop. Not until eight that morning after I send a plethora of insecure texts. This overreaction served no purpose and had no legitimate reasoning behind it after all.
What do I do in this emotional and overly hormonal state anyway? I decide I want a change. Will I cut my hair super short? No, I can’t grow it back before the regret sets in. Perhaps I will do some new highlights, so I feel prettier. Oh, but hair stylists are never able to book you in on the same day – God forbid you have this meltdown without an advance notice. Forget the salon then, I’ll do it at home myself. I’ll make my hair as crazy as I’m feeling.
Three lightening sessions and a mixture of blue dyes later, I turn out twenty shades of blue. Honestlythough, it gave me a weird sense of calm distracting myself for hours of the day. It allowed me the freedom to escape the never-ending thoughts of self-doubt and misery from that morning.
Because at first, I didn’t want to eat despite feeling like I was starving (and typically I love to eat). I couldn’t drag myself out of bed even with the sun beaming outside in blue skies. The feeling was like quick sand, pulling me into myself.
After I mustered the strength to get out of the house for supplies, I began to wonder what the root cause of this is because I know I’m not truly that insecure. When my boyfriend returned, we discussed the situation deeply. We couldn’t avoid it since my hair was blue and my doubtful thoughts had no justified cause.
Acknowledge it, accept it, and face it head-on.
We came to the conclusion that I get this way when I feel abandoned because I grew up trusting and loving my mother, who ultimately left me brokenhearted and deceived me constantly. Even at times, I felt abandoned by friends when I needed them to comfort me or my father who never listened when I cried out for help. Every feeling or action I have now is stemmed from traumas I faced as a child growing up. But how do you fix something that’s occurred so long ago?
I’ve agreed to speak with someone around trauma. Speaking with someone is immense and challenging sometimes because you have to admit some difficult truths, but in doing so you allow yourself the opportunity to move on properly.
Now that we know what causes these feelings, we know how to approach the situation to make myself feel at ease. Gradually, we can change how my mind wants to react and train it to become more positive. In the future we may even laugh at how silly I was being and say, “Remember that time you dyed your hair blue? Yeah, that was crazy!”
I hope this sheds some light on how life can be sometimes when you’re a happy person, but find fleeting moments of depression creeping in. If this isn’t you, then perhaps you are with someone or have a friend who shows signs of this behavior and I hope this gives you the resolution you’ve been seeking to better understand their feelings.
If you or someone you know suffers with emotional up and downs, please reach out – to them, to me, or someone you trust – because the importance of knowing you/they are not alone is invaluable. A listening ear can be the greatest first tool to finding happiness.